trigger warning: discussion of perfectionism, depression, self-criticism, guilt and overall mental health struggles
won't lie, this is an incredibly difficult post for me to write, let alone publish. if it means someone reads this, and realizes they're not alone then it's worth it.
you know that feeling when you're looking at something you made, and while everyone else sees the big picture, all you can see is that one small thing that feels slightly "off"?
that's me, all the time. with literally everything.
## cycle
i feel like i can't do anything at all sometimes. when i struggle on something and don't get it instantly, i beat myself up. i often feel "useless", and ultimately, a failure and a letdown.
i try so hard to keep working and discipline yourself, so people don't wait longer, or to try and prove to myself that i'm actually capable for that sense of self-validation.
then, there are those moments where you just stare at something and do nothing because you feel like there's no point anymore.
so many of my days are spent where i just do nothing, becuase of that feeling like there's no point in doing anything, just staring at the ceiling or doomscrolling and ending up wallowing in self-pity.
occasionally, i'll make something on a whim that comes to "actually, i want to share this with others - it could help others, but what if others don't think it's good enough?"
what happens? motivation completely dies. you just stare at it instead, pointing out every little thing, finding things to "fix" and "improve on".
then, nothing gets released; keeping things private means keeping them "safe" from judgment. it also means keeping them safe from maybe actually helping someone.
## enemy
people always say "just hold yourself accountable!" but how do you do that when your inner voice is the harshest critic you've ever met?
i'll set goals and deadlines, then miss them and spiral into shame. i'll make plans that sound great on paper but fall apart when i try to act on them.
the worst part? knowing that people are waiting. knowing that tens of thousands of people right now are interested in something i'm making. yet, here i am - paralyzed because i can't make it "perfect enough".
i deal with the guilt of keeping people waiting while i'm stuck in my own head, finding problems that probably don't even matter to anyone but me.
it's exhausting. you want to create, to help, to share - but the fear of imperfection becomes this massive wall between you and actually doing anything.
## expectations
having people who believe in your work should feel amazing, right? sometimes, it does. other times, it feels like carrying around this invisible weight - every decision becomes "what will they think? is this perfect?" instead of "does this solve the problem i set out to solve?"
i've built things that hundreds of thousands of people use each month, but i still feel like a fraud most days.
maybe you also have projects sitting and idling, projects that haven't been touched in months. maybe you also set impossible standards and then hate yourself for not meeting them.
but people want to see your "messy and imperfect" creations.
like, i'm publishing this post even though it's not "perfect" in my eyes. even though a part of me wants stay silent and pretend these struggles don't exist.
but these struggles very much do exist; maybe talking about them is the first step toward something better.